So, It's Father's Day.

over lunch earlier, i commented to b., simply, "there are lots of families out together today."

everywhere i looked, it was dads and sons. entire families. there were lots of families out. it was just an observation. 

"on days like this, do you think about your dad?" he asked. 

and of course, the answer was yes.

absolutely, yes. it's been nine years since he passed - so the sharp pain of sadness on father's day has dulled some. but it still hits me every year. and it hit me pretty quickly this morning. 

i woke up today and did my typical weekend morning routine. b. always wakes up a little before me. so i took a moment to enjoy the bed all to myself. i rolled over to grab my phone and scanned the headlines. i scrolled through work emails. i scrolled through personal emails. and then i scrolled through facebook to see who was up and what everyone was up to this morning. update after update was about fathers day. i scrolled and scrolled, only stopping to "like" one comment, a friend whose status mentioned missing his pops who passed away three years ago.

yep. happy father's day.

i always think really fondly of my friends who also are without fathers today. like that particular friend. and others. i feel a particular closeness to them that they may not know about. but it's true. my heart breaks a little for them because i get it. i totally understand. it's too soon, much to early for me or others to have already lost of fathers. it shouldn't happen this early. it sucks. and i could have done the same, post something in memory of my own father. but really, on my wall today, i'll probably be silent.

not that i'm bitter. not that i'm really sad today. it's just that mostly, i think it's confusing for others. i don't want people to stumble across my wall post today and pause wondering... should they comment? should they like the post? or do they scroll past it and go on with celebrating their own father today? the appropriate response to death - whether recent or long since past - it's always a little confusing. 

and frankly, confusion is much of what i feel about my dad. he was my dad. he was the only father i knew. but was he perfect? far from it. was he a good man? i think so. but i also remember a whole lot of fighting related to what were seen as his downfalls. and now that i am old enough to have strong opinions on what i believe a man, husband, and father should be, it's particularly confusing because while i understand some of the fighting and probably would be just as infuriated if faced with a man like him today and in my present circumstances... i also understand how difficult it must have been for him, not to mention stifling. 

so it's confusing, and it's complex. which is exactly why i wonder what it would be like telling his other daughter about him.

"so, hey..." i might say to this other sister of mine. whom i've never met. but hope to some day. "hi. it's nice to meet you. can you believe we share the same dad.? i know... you never really got to meet him or know him. when you were a year or so old, he left. met my mom. i was born a bit later. and i spent the majority of my life with him. yeah... i know. i'm sorry about that. so what was he like? well..."

i play that conversation out in my head sometimes, not quite sure which direction it could go. will she be mad at me that i had him my entire life as a present father while she did not? i couldn't fault her if she were still angry. but will she want to know about him? and if yes, i always wonder how much to tell. do i tell her only the good? is it better to paint a picture for her - in his memory, for his sake - of a great man? or does that just rub it in? or do i tell her the good, the bad, and the ugly? do i just tell the truth?

for now, at least, the conversation remains make believe. in my head. so no decisions have to be made now about how i package and present him. but slowly, i'm growing muster to bring that reality and hopefully that conversation to life. 

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