Are You Related to Bruce Lee?

this one is especially for my dutch uncle. except that he's not dutch, and neither am i... but i digress...

there were those remarks last week from our Attorney General Eric Holder in which he called us a nation of cowards. if you somehow missed the chatter about the speech, read the transcript. it's good, and the message is important. but, as much as i like the provocation of calling anyone a coward, i dunno if really calling each other cowards when it comes to race works for me, even if i actually agree (pretty much completely) with the logic of Holder. like how the NY Times columnist Charles Blow commented, his line of reasoning is fine... but, "Calling people cowards is counterproductive. It turns the conversation into a confrontation — moving it beyond the breach of true dialogue and the pale of real understanding." bam! there you go. and particularly when you call people cowards, why would they want to engage in a conversation about race? right? that's the tough thing about race relations - the conversations are not easy yet when you have all sorts of emotions of deep-seeded issues involved, not many are diplomatic or respectful in engaging, hence calling out others as cowards. these conversations are uncomfortable no doubt, but we have to keep on having them - i really do believe we have to keep having them. so here we go, with another one.

i received a few messages as well as comments about my post the other week where i basically defended the double standard of using the N-word, or in my case, words like chink/gook/fill-in-the-blank with another derogatory racial term. and not everyone got where i was coming from - because doesn't continually using words that reinforce stereotypes or that are derogatory just keep perpetuating the issues? nope, folks. for me, i do think that there's a time and place to say these things to one another. and i say this not with any sense of entitlement about what i'm owed, or what i'm due, or what extra special treatment you should give me because i assure you, i have worked for everything i have today, as did my parents, without a single handout, or extra boost. we're self made, and i expect the same of everyone else... but if there were to be one entitlement i demand - it's simply the right to call myself and others what we want to call each other, even if you think it reinforces a stereotype. i need to be able to laugh at it - and i am going to continue wearing it like a badge because it's a common bond and a thread that weaves together others like me.

i still don't know if that makes sense though, so i was thinking about how i could explain things in another way to help shed light into the logic of the double standard. so here's a true story.


***

3rd grade. new school. first week of school and for the first time ever, i was riding the school bus to and fro. it was nerve wracking enough as is but of course for new kids, there will always be tests of your limits, right? so on this one particular day, it was my turn.

"hey chink. are your eyes open?"

and i knew that i was the only "chink" on that bus, so i turned around... and then there were about six of them - all older than me... and i want to say they were all boys but i can't remember completely. but when i turned around, their hands were held up to their eyes and each of them pulled their eyes back with their fingers to create their own slanted eyes. some had their eyes slanting upwards, some hand them slanted downwards, a few had them pulled straight to the side to create horizontal slits. (channel miley cyrus...) and they peeled into fits of laughter. 

i muttered something under my breath thinking about how stupid they were and then sat wondering if my eyes were really that slanted or small... and through those little slits for eyes of mine, tears began rolling down my cheeks. it was a miserable, and extremely long ride home on that bus.

"are you a gook?"

"are you related to bruce lee?"

"is connie chung your sister?"

"are you awake? open your eyes!"

they kept going. and no one stopped them. and i cried the whole way home. 

***

the third grade wouldn't be the only time something like that happened though because you see, kids can be mean, and some of those mean kids grow up to be ignorant adults. i think someone made the motion of slanting their eyes at me just last year in the midst of a racist joke she was telling me - and this was a grown woman, mind you. a woman who works in HR no less. and any Asian American i've ever asked has similar stories - and this is a tie that binds. we can laugh at it now, sure, and sometimes we joke about it still... but we'll never forget it. and we can laugh, and we can joke, because we know better than to be hurt by someone else's ignorance. but keep in mind this - my little school bus story is a mild version of many stories that are out there. you know what i mean? 

there isn't a lot i think we should be entitled to, but having this difference and the experiences born of those differences is something i want to be able to own - and i wear it like a badge. i need to be able to laugh and joke about it - but it's only our own experiences and how ridiculous the ridicule or taunting or treatment was that we're laughing at. and really, it's not fair to fully put aside the stereotypes - because they aren't dead. and we can't be colorblind - because that minimizes the historical context of some of these issues. and we're not all the same. which is okay. so let's keep having this conversation, even if you don't agree with me... because nope, i don't think you're a coward.